My mother likes telling me that I say every book I read is ‘amazing’. I beg to differ. The reason she hasn’t heard me slander a book is because hardly do I ever finish bad books. Why put myself through torture? But this one…I’m about to SLAY it. Following a habit I picked up from my roommate, Owiredua, I finished the book so I could justifiably judge it.It was so ridiculous I had to continue.
This should be fun.
Author: Alyson Noel.
I don’t hate this book. Nah. Strong feelings towards this book cannot be tolerated. It shouldn’t even be a book. Who allowed it to be a series (which I am not going to read the rest of, by the way)?! This is definitely something that belongs/should have stayed on Wattpad, as a weird amalgamation of fanfiction, because the number of series that have been ripped off is phenomenal. The only difference between this and all them Wattpad stories is that there are no atrocious spelling mistakes, although I must say the author is a bit confused about the tenses of the English language. What was the editor even doing?
Let me tell you now that from here on, there will be many spoilers, and if you plan on reading this book (which I definitely, strongly advise against), leave this page.
First off, this main character chick, Ever, she died and came back. Now who else in literary fiction did that? Oh yeah, Harry Potter, in Deathly Hallows. Okay, so coincidence, right? No. Ever happens to have a scar on her – gasp – forehead! Who else in literary fiction has this? Oh really? Harry James Potter? You don’t say.
Next, the whole teen-seeing-dead-people theme. Done before and done better. Why, I think Meg Cabot rocked that one pretty well with her Mediator series. Moving on…
The new boy in school who’s so drop dead gorgeous that everyone falls for him at once. I can’t even SAY how many tiems this has been done. But forget about that and let’s look at this boy’s name. Damen? Ring a bell? Sound very similar, maybe, to DAMON? As in Salvatore, as in LJ Smith’s “The Vampire Diaries.” Oh, this one di3r, you blast. (Forgive my Ghanaian lingo…actually don’t. It was necessary.) Aside from that, he doesn’t’ look or act human! Gasp! What is it? Could it possibly maybe be a vampire? I don’t know. But he does have the ability to erase one’s memory. Who does that? Oh yes, the vampires from the TV series “The Vampire Diaries,” based on the books. Again, moving on…
Damen, the mysterious creature, has many meals with Ever, in and out of school. And he barely eats. When questioned, he is able to take a bite and swallow it. Yep, that seems original. Oh, hold up a sec! You mean to say Edward Cullen did EXACTLY that? Ah, wonderful. We have entered a poorly disguised, unsuccessful mimic of The Twilight Saga. Haha. I seem to recall Bella doing the whole ‘guess what Edward is’ scene over a meal. Ever did that too. Damen skips school regularly? Edward did that too. Neither boy gave a legit explanation. Damen’s vampire house has no furniture. Edward’s didn’e either. There’s a room in Damen’s house full of paintings of him during an era when he could not POSSIBLY have existed? But Edward also…okay, this is getting tiring. Bella Swan is YAWNING right now. A poor girl got an infection and Damen had to suck it out. Does that sound a little like the end of Twilight to you? And when Ever searched the web to discover the meaning behind some of Damen’s tricks, I couldn’t help but remember that Bella surfed the web to figure out what Edward was. Okay. Moving on…
So Ever was ‘boutta die, and ended up in some limbo place. Kay. Why didn’t she die? Where are all her cuts and bruises? Oh wait, Damen has an answer. “Love heals” or “love saved you” or whatever. Now, class, can anyone tell me why Harry Potter is so resistant or why Voldemort couldn’t kill him? Oh, alright. Because his mother’s love saved him. ALYSON NOEL, ARE YOU FLIPPING PROUD OF YOURSELF?!
And now, the whole idea of Ever constantly being reincarnated, Damen constantly having to find her…don’t that sound a teeny bit like Fallen to you? Or I just be trippin’? And them having to fight the same battles over and over again, doesn’t even make you think of Meg Cabot’s ‘Avalon High’? Ah. Okay.
And allow me to also say that Drina, the bad guy (I mean girl) is basically a poor imitation of The Twilight Saga’s Victoria. And I’d have seen through it even if she DIDN’T have red hair. And please. The whole villain telling his/her story/plot instead of actually killing the hero straight-up, thereby leaving room for escape kind of horse-shank is TIRED. I promise on my honour to write a parody story on this theme. I’m telling you, the whole villain-turned-story teller thing is only funny when Dr. Drakken from Kim Possible does it.
Now, not only am I mad at publishers for letting this book run freely into the world, but I am also disappointed in readers for making it popular. Like yo! Why should these authors be making money off such nonsense, while awesome people like Caroline Lawrence aren’t even verified on Twitter? It maddens me.
Alyson Noel, I hope you never see this. You are probably going to HATE me.
Here, I revert to my Ghanaian accent.
This Ever chick naa, she’s an idiot. Ei! Menhuu bi da! (I’ve not seen some before.) Okay so you can read minds. Then this new guy comes and when he speaks you can’t read anyone’s mind again? And you DON’T go off running? You know that every living person ahs an aura you can see. You see this guy doesn’t have an aura, like he’s already dead, and you STILL don’t go off running? Saa? Yoo. So the dude shows up at your party that you didn’t invite him to, and he’s dressed as your complement. No alarm. K. Then he, a mysterious stranger, and not in a good way, who is obviously not human, kisses you on ever part of your head down to your neck. One never even suspects a rapist or nuthin’? Heh. Then he convinces you to ditch school and go to all manner of places. And you go. W’agyimi oh! (You’re mad, oh!) You see the guy sucking blood out of your friend’s wrist, the guy you claim is your boyfriend! And you don’t call the police or anything. Naa, wei di3, w’abodam kraa. (Nah, as for this one, you are completely insane.)
And the way he never answers questions is annoying. The way she never presses questions is annoying. It is NOT COOL to make someone read a book and only half-understand it until the 200th page (I am not even exaggerating.) It’s not mystery anymore. It’s laziness. It’s ridiculous.
**End of tirade**
UPDATE: By the way, I forgot to add: turns out Damen’s not actually a vampire. He’s just some creature that has ALL the qualities of a vampire but they call themselves “Immortals.” That makes it all better, doesn’t it? *red-faced angry emoji*