I could be so much more than I am now. There are so many abilities I possess and could have cultivated by now – but I haven’t. Why? Because of this vicious cycle of stagnancy in my life that can actually be summarised in three words: lack of time.
The cycle is like this:
- Get inspired. It may be something I was exposed to, something I discovered on the internet, a person, a programme, it doesn’t matter. The result of this stimulant is either the development of a new passion or the resolution to resurrect an old one. So, that’s step one: I make up my mind to basically dedicate my whole life to this interest.
2. Acquisition of equipment. Whatever I need to cultivate this new habit I want, I get. If it’s writing, maybe I’ll buy a dozen notebooks; if it’s graphic design, I’ll download a million softwares; if it’s gaming, I’ll buy a bunch of second-hand games etc. I hardly fail to get what I need. It might actually be the easiest part of the whole cycle.
3. Throw my heart and soul into the project. My guy, if I, Ivana Akotowaa Ofori, decide to get obsessed…wahala don come. Like, I won’t let go. It can be all I talk about, all I think about, the reason for my own malnutrition or sleep deprivation. It does not matter. The passion will surface, and it will be evident. But will it last?
4. Get distracted by life. Now we have entered into the deteriorative part of the cycle. Life always seems to find a way to distract me, somehow. I hate it. The primary culprit is, of course, school. It’s not like I find most of the things I’m doing there relevant too. (There’s something really wrong with the way SOS-HGIC makes its students feel, but that’s for a different post/rant.) When deadlines and things which you, according to the jacked-up society, “have to” do, get you, things start going downhill. And I may try, for a while, to make myself able to do all the things I want at once, but I ain’t superwoman, you see. It either results in me getting such little rest that I feel sick, or drastically bombing every test and/or assignment that comes my way.
5. Become depressed. Hey, it’s not like I CAN’T do everything I want. I probably could…if I was a Cullen, or any other kind of creature which does not need sleep to regain the necessary brain-power required to perform tasks. But at this point, it’s like the powers that be are forcing one to choose: “Do you want to excel in the life you create for yourself? Or do you want to be a pro at the life that society insists is the way for you to become successful in future?” For some strange reason, society always wins – perhaps because they outnumber me 7 billion to 1 – and I end up unhappy with my lot, and move through my designated routines like a bloody depressed zombie. GAH.
6. Take a break. They come in different forms. Maybe the end of major exams, or vacations from school, or brief trips out of the city or the country or attending a “helpful” programme. At this stage, I evaluate my life, conclude that I have achieved nothing, and become disappointed in myself. On the other hand, though, due to the illusory release from certain societies’ captivity, I start to believe that life is not so bad, and that I can possibly do anything and everything I want, and that life can never bring me down again.
7. Start looking for inspiration, and end up back at stage 1.
But darling, I ceaselessly end up back at stage 5! Over and over and over again. And this is why I have concluded now that I will probably never amount to anything in life. (In case you’re wondering, I am, at this moment of my life, at stage 4, already dreading progression into stage 5, which, I believe, is scheduled for November.) If you have any idea how to solve this problem (that does not involve me killing myself, neither physically nor metaphorically), please tell me, because I’d love to hear it.
God help me.