Let’s not pretend like I know where I’m going in life; I don’t. But the course of my academic life certainly suggests I do – falsely, of course. My Higher Level courses: Geography, Math, Physics. My Standard Level courses: French, Language and Literature, Information Technology in a Global Society. You can totally see where I’m going with this, right? Probably some technical or technological job that will keep me moving all around the world? Language and French look like peripherals that were added because it was required…
No. I realize now that I don’t want to be an engineer, and I’m kind of sort of failing math. My desired career path doesn’t even have the faintest thing to do with physics; I want to be a housewife.
Why, then, am I doing this combination of subjects? There are two explanations: the reason I am doing these subjects and the reason I am not doing other subjects.
I’m doing these subjects – the ones that look practical and stuff – because I’m a generally knowledge-hungry person. I actually desire to know about the physical world and how stuff works, and the math is just supposed to support the physics. I’m doing Language and Literature so I don’t have to do plain literature, which bores the living daylights out of me. I’m doing French because I already know how to speak it to an extent, and so there’s less pressure on me to learn something entirely new.
I’m not doing subjects typically expected of me, like Visual Art or Higher Level Literature, mainly because words and art are passions for me, and I’d rather they stayed that way, instead of turning into tasks that pressurize. Pressure often manifests itself into intense dislike, with me. And you can’t tell me that “you’ll never know if you never try” mantra, because I do know, I have tried, IG art turned into a headache, and I bombed IG Literature. I’d also rather not be told how to express myself, because these are the only areas of my life where I feel personally free.
What would my ideal life be? Well, I know what it wouldn’t be. Those women who want to be high-class businesswomen, lawyers and famous entrepreneurs or scientists…I’d probably hate that. I want to create, inspire, but mostly just love. I can do all of these plus have the freedom to move around, if I am a housewife, who is not actually required to be at a certain place.
In actuality, I want to be a writer. Nothing I do makes me happier. It can be stress, working with deadlines, but once I know I’m not getting judged for my content, it’s stress that I enjoy. These things are my dreams. How much trouble do I have to go through to achieve them?
Call me whatever is opposite of a practical person, but I believe more in self-fulfillment through joy and satisfaction than self-fulfillment through success. This academic year, I’ve spent more time focused on life in general, rather than grades, and it’s probably not academically healthy, but I generally am; I’ve improved my own mood, attitude and mental health a lot by letting go of the pressure I put on myself to do well in school.
Obviously, teachers won’t like it. My focus appears to be severely misplaced. But when you think about it…I could die at eighteen, or nineteen, or twenty. I’d like to feel at least satisfied with the course of my life, even if not with my achievements. And if I get a 7 in math but did it at the expense of forsaking my writing time, I will not be happy. I speak from experience, not hypothetically. Also, I find it hard to see how my grades will matter in the afterlife.
Formalities bore me. Academics qualifies for me as a formality. What will I study in college, then? Ha – that’s a funny question. Do I even have an interest in attending college? That’s a more relevant question, which I can actually answer with: not if it requires me to do things formally.
I’m a Bohemian by nature. I cannot envision myself EVER carrying out a mathematical investigation or disproving a physics theory. I can, however, clearly envision myself leading a brainstorming discussion on how to improve a product’s advertising, or 3D graphic designing a model or toy, or heck, even investigating dinosaur fossils. But who is going to pay school fees for me to study paleontology or animation?
So, I suppose until then – then being the indefinite future – my future’s prospects are a melange of false certainty and certain dreams.