A Letter to the Present Self of a Former Close Friend

Don’t think of this as a blasting. Think of this as a mere chronicling of events from the point of view of an insider, who has very strong emotions about these events.

At the moment, you’ve given yourself the wrong definition of “cool.” You are not so far gone as to believe you have achieved it, but you are deluded enough to think that you’re getting there. You judge this based on the people you hang out with. I’d just like to point out that they are not doing anything to enhance your life. Both of us are confused. The difference is that you are in this state unconsciously and I am fully aware of it.

What are you seeking? Acceptance? We gave you that. When you arrived, when you were too shy to utter a word louder than a whisper, when you were the socially awkward, straight-faced boy with no visible emotions, we took you in. We were the squad of weirdos, borne from the unison of the characters who had been left out of the squads because we did not possess the characteristics that would make us belong. We found sameness in our differences, and because you were different, you were automatically one of us.

And then you found your voice. Lord, did you ever. And it wasn’t even loud, but it was loud enough. We told you that you were funny, but you needed to hear it from someone else. You needed to hear it from your definition of cool. So you spoke, and they laughed. They laughed, which you loved. You wanted to believe, with all your heart, that it meant you were worthy of their acceptance. Thus, you resolved to work for it.

Guess what. You’re still working for it. Both us know you aren’t there yet. But they’re still laughing, so you still think there’s hope.

But I’ve seen the way they look at you. In their eyes is a mixture of the statements, “Well, he’s alright, I guess,” and “What is he doing here with us, anyway?”

They will never accept you. Not unless you lose yourself entirely. Not unless you lose the part of you that we love. The only part of you that matters.

You’re too good for them. We miss you. I miss you.

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