When was the last time I wrote something simply outright ridiculous? You don’t remember? Neither do I. That’s what this post is for.
Credit where it is due: Owiredua Akrofi inspired this one with something she said in my room one day.
Warning: If thou fearest the vulgar, thou would probably do well not to continue to read this story. However, if thou merely fearest such abysmal employment of Shakespearean language, thou may continueth because it is all rather very tiring-eth and none of it will be used in the actual story-eth.
Now, if you are like me – curious like me, that is – and if you’re in a community with the strange kinds of attire regulations that you don’t quite understand, but are forced to conform to, then you will want to know, as much as I once wanted to know, why so much stress is put on females to wear cardigans or shawls when they wear things like tank tops or spaghetti straps.
I am not, in fact, speaking of the problem of bra straps being exposed. If that were the only problem, then the fuss is perfectly understandable, for underwear defeats its purpose by not being worn under anything, right? But it’s not the bra straps, it turns out; many tank tops actually hide those perfectly well. Oh, no. The problem here is the shoulders. That’s right: female shoulders. Those are the roots of this particular evil.
Again, if you are like me, far too curious, that is, you will have deliberately gone looking for the explanation that makes it perfectly comprehensible how shoulders of a female are so offensive to modern society. If you are only slightly like me, you would have given up after your first three-dozen confused looks, fruitless Google searches and unyielding skims and scans of library books. However, if you are far too similar to me for even my own liking, you would have gone further and further inti the deepest, darkest corners of the section in the Library of Completely Useless and Unsalvageably Beyond Credible Books, and at last, found a book that bears the title ‘Completely Useless and Unsalvageably Beyond Credible Historical Facts,’ by the author Somen E. Lyze. He was quite a popular author in that particular library. The place was chock-full of Somen E. Lyze.
Here is an extract from the book which explains exactly what I was looking for and hopefully satisfies you as well.
A HISTORY OF THE DANGEROUS NATURE OF THE FEMALE SHOULDER AND WHY ITS EXPOSURE IS RIGHTFULLY REGULATED IN MOST MODERN SCHOOLS
Way, way, way, WAY back in the day, when girls had barely been allowed to attend school for a century since, and uniforms were much more flexible, students used to wear their home clothes to school – both males and female. Given that this was way, way, way, way, WAY back in the day, the clothing restrictions on these females were rather strict. Nobody, however, questioned it; it was tradition. It was culture.
On a certain day, one girl called Axie Dental, was on her way to school – walking, as people of that era tended to do. On the way, her shirt sleeve (which was, incidentally, a very long sleeve) got caught on a rudely protruding branch. It ripped. Badly. The sleeve could not be re-worn properly in such a short time before she was required to be in school, and Axie Dental knew that she’d have a tough time convincing her teachers that it had all happened accidentally.
Her last resort, then, was to put on a cardigan and continue on her way to school.
The morning passed successfully, without event. But in the afternoon, it began to get hot, as afternoons tended to do. Completely having forgotten what had happened earlier, she shrugged off her cardigan very slightly – only enough to fall and rest on her upper arms, way above the elbow, but it was enough to expose that fateful tear in the fabric.
A boy sitting behind Axie stammered…Is that…is that…a shoulder?!”
There was a collective gasp in the room as everybody tried to get a glimpse of what he was staring at.
“Oh my God, it’s a shoulder,” said another boy.
“Too much skin being exposed,” complained one more, in sexual agony.
“It’s so erotic!” wailed a fourth. “I can’t handle it!”
So it went until abruptly, unable to handle it anymore, all the boys in the classroom got erections so unbearably strong that they all promptly died.
And that is why the female shoulder and its exposure is rightfully regulated in most modern schools.
Somen E. Lyze’s words, not mine.