You know you’re not in love with her. You know it.
This beginning might seem a bit rude and brash, given that I’ve started this letter without pleasantries and whatnot. But what’s the point when we don’t even exchange pleasantries in real life?
I know you didn’t get my last letter. That’s because I never had the courage to send it. Maybe I have the courage to send this one. Then again, maybe I don’t.
Listen. I’m not trying to be patronizing, but I know what it feels like to want to be loved. Of course, as a friend of mine points out frequently, I don’t appear to have the particular hormones that make me want to get up and look for a boyfriend. But the fact that I don’t have as much interest in a romantic relationship doesn’t mean I don’t want to be loved.
I wanted to be primarily important – a number one priority – to at least one significant person, and as Paulo Coelho said, “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” By something I’m finding it hard not to believe is some freak of nature, I have found that person. The thing is that it appears to be easier when you’re not looking. But the process is made all the worse when you are not only looking for something that is not there, but to compound it, you are telling your senses that they are finding it in the most convenient places.
She is your most convenient option, and it sucks that you’ve given in to the peer pressure. I think you and I both know that you’re not in love with her but…do you even love her? She doesn’t even love you, and that makes it even scarier!
When two lost souls in search of love happen to cross paths, the result is that both are willing to believe they can receive it from the hearts of the other. But if the relationship is based on need and not on nature, what happens when the need is no longer there? You’re treading dangerous waters, my friend.
Let me tell you a secret: I’ve been there. I’ve been drawn to a person with whom I looked absolutely awkward with – and trust me, you two look absolutely awkward – and with whom, also, I was absolutely incompatible, just as, in fact, you are. (Can’t you see it?) It did not end well.
Of course, we are different people, and with all certainty, I can say that you are not him, and I am not her; but I’m trying to dissuade you from performing an action which involves self-deceit. I’d have thought you already had a sufficient amount of that.
But more often than not, I feel like my quest is useless – it will never produce the desired result. Why do I bother, then? After all, if the relationship was not going to work, we can leave it until it starts and breaks on its own, right? It’s not going to kill you. You’re not going to experience any long-term effects. (I hope.) So, why do I bother?
When I repeatedly asked myself this question, I was finally able to come up with the most truthful answer: it’s not about the relationship, really. It’s about you. I love you, and I hate the fact that you still don’t know who you are. And above all, I hate to see you keep deceiving yourself about what it is you think you want.
By the way, there’s something I think you should know about the relationship you most recently ended: it was your fault – and it was your fault for exactly the reasons I stated in the paragraph above: you don’t know who you are, and you keep deceiving yourself about what it is you think you want. And that’s how you managed to lose the one person I thought was capable of restoring the true ‘you’ from underneath all the layers of façade.
Now, I’m about to reveal to you one of the best-kept secrets of the modern teenager’s fraction of the human race: you don’t need a significant other to survive. Aha! Stop, I know where we are! This is the part where you view me as a hypocrite and say, “Then get rid of yours.” Well, I won’t. Because the person you are referring to as my significant other is my best friend – and I believe the most sincere kind of love mankind can have between fellow mankind is the love of friendship. Now, am I going to kill something so precious? Something that neither of us was looking for but we found anyway? The answer is hell no.
But, my love, you won’t listen to a word I say. And hey – I’ve been wrong before! So, go ahead and make your mistakes.