So, you log on to Twitter. No, in fact, you don’t have to log on. You never even signed out in the first place. So, you type the Twitter address in the address bar. No, in fact, Twitter is your home-page. So you’re on Twitter. You remember that satisfaction that you got when you got that nth follower? How you Tweeted about it for nearly a full ten minutes, which is far longer than you stay on any topic that’s not “trending” anyway.
I mean, anyone can see that you’ve worked extremely hard on building your Twitter fame so steadily and meticulously. For goodness’ sake, you’re so well-known, you’re nearly an internet celebrity now. And for the love of all that is good, you have standards. You spell every word in your bio properly. No azonto abbreviations involved. And people don’t even know how many tries it took you – how meticulously you had to go through all the photos – to get the perfect profile picture. Heck, it’s even been secretly edited with Lightroom. Your phone/tablet’s notification panel is always buzzing with news of retweets. As previously said, you’re practically an internet celebrity.
At this point, you just tweeted something that is, in your opinion, particularly witty. So you sit back and ponder over the brainy marvelousness of your intellect. Then, you get that classic ‘ping’ on your phone. You pick it up eagerly, thinking that someone has recognized the superiority of your wit and either quoted or retweeted you. And behold! Someone has!
With satisfaction, you wait for a few seconds; the next one should be coming any minute from now. Another notification! But wait…it’s not a retweet – it’s a reply!
“AccraTemaKumasiBuwoy” replied to your tweet. “Hi……kfb.”
And at first, it doesn’t make sense. It’s been so long since you have seen or paid attention to such an abbreviation from such a person. You thought we left all of these jon things back in 2011. Accra, Tema and Kumasi? Decide on one freaking place! Buwoy? Is that a new gender we have not yet heard of? Doesn’t it destroy the whole purpose of “shortening” words?
Kfb…kfb…what does that even mean? Let’s take it apart, you think. FB…Facebook? No, wait, this is Twitter. Follow-back! That’s it! Kindly follow back. It was a request.
Then, when you finally get over the trivial triumph of recalling the meaning from the dusty, musty recesses of your brain, you realise that there is rage growing within you. Freaking rage. My goodness. It’s like your whole world has been torn apart. This reputation that you’ve spent so long building, someone has just plainly disregarded your status – degraded you to the point where they believe that they, that is, people who have never heard you name and couldn’t have the faintest hope of even meeting you “IRL”, will just get up and blindly follow such an azonto. Ei!
Beyond annoyed, you click on the person’s name to discover more about them, not so much for interest’s sake as for curiosity as to what kind of person would be audacious enough to send you such a message.
You grieve when you read their bio. It is just as you feared: a dyslexic, illiterate array of uppercase and lowercase letters that honestly spell out nothing in particular. It is a self-glorifying bio full of things like “am cool,” “am kewt”, “am awesum” or “am jux me,” followed by either a million exclamation marks or a million full stops that murder the dignity of the Ellipsis. Of course, you wonder if it can technically be described as self-glorifying when, in actuality, it is not referring to anyone’s “self”. These phrases have been left starkly subject-less. “Am” does not become “I am” just because Ghanaians pronounce them the same way.
So, a glorifying, dyslexic illiterate with an internet connection has dared to ask you to “kfb.” For the love of all that is good, they don’t even respect you enough to type the request out in full! Who do they think they are? And why do they believe they have the right to assume that you are “kind”?
Now, to look deeply into the intent of the request. Why do they want you to follow back? Do they view you merely as another plus one to their followers count? Is that all they are useful for? Or is it that they believe they deserve to have you follow them, for various reasons unknown. Again, who do they think they are? What value at all do they believe they can add to your Twitter life if you follow them? You needed to personally evaluate yourself, after all, before you offered something you did not have.
You sigh, too far gone to be bothered to do anything else. You continue to scroll down your TL.
Author’s note: this is satire. However, if I directly sent you the link to this blog post, it is very likely that you have tweeted “kfb” at me, and I hereby demand that you list 5 reasons how following you will add value to my life. Otherwise, no plix.