Recently, I’ve sort of been on a break from writing things that aren’t either spoken word poems (which usually describe hypothetical situations, when I write them) or fictional stories. I’ve been having a lot of fun with the latter. But, at this moment, they haven’t been released yet. This break is kind of odd for me, because I don’t usually not write what I’m thinking. I’ve been rationalizing my thoughts to myself in words for over five years – and this recent hiatus wasn’t even so much of a decision; it was more like something that just happened.
Recently, my emotions and thoughts have been spiralling freaking out of control. I’ve wondered if anyone could tell from the calibre of my tweets. (A few people could.)
I have indeed tried to put my thoughts to paper, but more often than not, lately I just end up stopping almost as soon as I started, unable to continue. The problems are a range – but they don’t really vary, because this same range applies to nearly all of those times.
- Whatever I’m writing feels too painful or anguished, or depressing, and I can’t get it out without tears as by-products.
- It feels overly repetitive, and people (including myself) have heard it all before. The thing about me is that the things that emotionally and psychologically disturb me are usually the same. And whenever they leave room for a response, or if they are some sort of cry for help, whatever response people will give me, chances are, I’ve heard them before, and they were probably as (un)helpful then as they will be if I hear them over and over again. I get tired of the repetition, don’t you? I mean, a classmate recently told me that I talk about how much I hate being in school so often that it has become my version of ‘hello’. Ah well. When my heart is always overflowing due to circumstances that are not changing (i.e. I haven’t dropped out yet), my mouth will tend to speak unchanging words too.
- I know what to think/ I know the solutions. To write about the problems in my head would be to write about problems for which I know the solutions. But I also know that very, very much of the time, head knowledge doesn’t always change how we feel in our hearts, and it’s not really our fault. This evil heart decides far too often to disconnect itself from the brain. How for do?
- In writing FICTION, I’ve realised that it is so possible to express the same ideas in different, more reactive ways – even in spoken word poetry. So, when my mental faculties aren’t trying to shut me down into depressive sleep (whether or not they’re succeeding), I’m forming stories to portray the ideas that I need to get out. Writing those down, whenever I manage to get around to it, is liberating.
Yeah, so basically, I’ve been in a bad mental place and that has blocked me from writing my thoughts or opinions on a lot of things. But that’s okay. I’m healing, and I’m figuring a lot of stuff out. (Even though I might currently be failing high school.) I’ll eventually start freeing my mind like I used to. But it seems that for now, my brain has decided that fiction is its safe haven.
[PS. It’s interesting to think about the brain and heart as together and then as separate entities at different times.]