Dark Heart & Mind #2

Dark Heart & Mind [Files from between August-December 2015]: Releasing the hatred and depression of the last year, raw and beautiful. Don’t you dare tell me to edit or delete. Stifle me any more than I’ve stifled myself, and I’ll pronounce curses on you with my Ewe side.

The magnitude of my piss-off is so impressive I can’t remember having been this angry in such a long time.

It’s such a horrible thing when the people we love disappoint us with unfounded stupidity. I feel like I can never trust nor like anyone again. I neither appreciate the abuse of power, nor the unfounded creation of rules that don’t exist. Fourth Year superciliousness. Makes the Fourth Year prefects as bad as the [redacted] People Apparently Trained To Instruct who make up regulations about whatever pleases them. It is taking so much restraint (and a lot of failure) to prevent myself from bursting out in verbal rants.

I have never been oppressed so much as That Place has made me. Everything makes me angry. Everyone makes me angry. The environment is oppressive. I feel mentally and emotionally OPPRESSED. I need to graduate. Oh God, I need to graduate. I need to remove myself from the people who make me feel horrible. I need to remove myself from the microcosm that makes it seem like this small place is the whole world…

Right now all my hate is directed towards That Place. I hate it with such force that I wonder how I manage to last days after days in such suffering and unhappiness.

I would like to be on an isolated house on a hill. To be apart from people, to not have to suffer their company, processes and hypocrisy anymore. after all, how can you hate what you are never exposed to? I just want to graduate and leave, to emphasize that this place has no claim on me.

Before, I was unhappy because I felt like it had rejected me, like I didn’t fit even though I was supposed to. Now, I understand that I was never meant to fit in, and as such, I am the one who has rejected it. Even as I remain here for the final months that I have left, I have removed myself. Situational coincidence means I attend here, but my mind has denied it. I do not belong here. I have never belonged here, nor do I want to.


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