Dark Heart & Mind #7

Dark Heart & Mind [Files from between August-December 2015]: Releasing the hatred and depression of the last year, raw and beautiful. Don’t you dare tell me to edit or delete. Stifle me any more than I’ve stifled myself, and I’ll pronounce curses on you with my Ewe side.

There was no way in hell I could have passed that paper. I don’t even know whether I am angry now or not. I can’t accurately say that I am disappointed, if I expected to fail. I spent the whole night last night sleeping and not working. I gave up before the race even started. And I don’t blame or condemn myself in the least for it – and for my hopelessness.

It isn’t more time that I needed. Give me all the time in the world, and I still won’t pass – because there are a million other things I’d rather be doing. I am not foolish enough to degrade myself by calling myself stupid (this is a lie), or believing that I am unable (this one is true). I know the facts that mathematics, while doable, is not my natural aptitude, and that I am simply not putting enough time and effort in it to excel. The issue here is that I am not so bothered by my disinterest that I am willing to do much towards getting myself out of this indifference. And I think this is fine too. People are allowed to be interested in what they are interested in.

Speaking of interest, I find it offensive that out of the IB hexagon (at least in my school), the only optional section is The Arts. Yet mathematics is compulsory for everyone.

I don’t even want a diploma. I don’t want one.

-I.

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