For Next Time.

For Next Time: A list dedicated to Akotowaa, from The Spider Kid. 

  1. You will not conflate your desire to be loved by a person, with any actual love for the person. You will not project your desire to be wanted onto any human being.
  2. If a person decides they want you, you will let them show it. If they don’t show it, you will let it go. You will remember that you are wanted, regardless, by a God who will never stop wanting you.
  3. You will not entertain indifference to the point of trauma. You will see signs of disinterest for what they are, and you will leave when you are repeatedly told, in words or otherwise, that you must go.
  4. You will not try to convince yourself that love is present when it will not be confessed at any opportunity.
  5. You will remember that you must only allow yourself to fall in love with a person, and not the version of the person you wish they were or would become.
  6. You will not mistake scientific intrigue regarding your most unusual qualities, for love.
  7. You will not mistake someone’s love for your works, talents, or performance, for love of your person.
  8. You will not mistake admiration for your personal virtues, for love.
  9. You will not mistake someone’s interest in fulfilling their sexual desires through you, for love.
  10. You will not believe that your sexuality deems you incapable of developing and thriving in the kinds of relationships that may bring you fulfillment.
  11. You will not allow yourself to believe that your psychological conditions prevent you either from being loved or loving well.
  12. You will not mistake somebody’s unwillingness to let you kill yourself, for love.
  13. You will not decide to owe your life, love, presence or ultimate allegiance to whoever stops you from killing yourself.
  14. You will refuse to hold onto guilt, self-deprecation, or feelings of unworthiness when anyone presents you with the fruits of kindness or love. You will throw “worthy” out the window and remove “deserve” from your lexicon. If you were saved by grace, you can live by it. If you can accept and give thanks for what the son of God did for you, you can accept and give thanks for what a human chooses to do for you. You will not allow bad feelings towards yourself to corrupt or define your relationships.
  15. You will not consider it your responsibility to heal a person, fix their situations, be their unpaid therapist, do their emotional work, or try to do anything that is God’s responsibility alone, or theirs. You will do only the labor that God tells you to. You will be instrument, but never instrumentalist.
  16. You will not regard the end of any relationship as the end of your life as you believe it ought to be.
  17. You will not walk away from any failed relationship with the feeling that you are unlovable. (Because it is not true.)
  18. You will not walk away from any failed relationship feeling that you can never be understood. (Because you know that this is not true.)
  19. You will not assume that the person someone is with you is the same person they would be without you. People are always evolving, when they give themselves permission.
  20. You will not assume that the person you are with someone is the same person you will be without them. You are always evolving, if you give yourself permission.

With all my love,

The Spider Kid. 🕸

6 thoughts on “For Next Time.”

  1. 10. You will not believe that your sexuality deems you incapable of developing and thriving in the kinds of relationships that may bring you fulfillment.

    Great takeaway!

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