The Hero I Am Not

There are parts of being in love that are far from romantic. Like your lover dealing with hurt so deep it pierces your own chest. Understanding is never enough; intellect and sympathy are nearly powerless against pain. So you walk the line between desperation and helplessness, wishing more than anything that you could make problems disappear with the wave of a wand.

Often, the best I can offer is a mere “I love you,” but that sentence is like a flashlight in the face of the sun.

I am an ocean overflowing with love, and yet your remedy may be lying exclusively within fresh waters.

You have never asked me if the thing that consumes me is a desire to see you healed at all cost, or if I am merely intoxicated with the idea of being your only antidote. As for me, I play hide-and-seek with the question, not quite sure I am ready to reckon with the hero I am not, and hoping you forgive me once again for my narcissism in making this thing about me.

-Akotowaa

Is It Real Attraction, Tho’?

They were

thrown together by circumstance

and told themselves

they were in love

 

For how could it

have been by chance

that both of them

were so alone?

 

All their friends,

they walked in pairs

and left the two

at the tail ends

 

So they locked eyes

and it made sense:

Why don’t we be

more than just friends?

 

They joined themselves

right at the hip

Adam’s leash, and

Eva’s whip.

 

They seem happy

but to me,

it looks like a forced

relationship.

-Akotowaa

Disparities

Her: Oh my God, he’s cute. Especially when he smiles. And his hugs are magic. He’s cuddly, but, like, hugging a muscly, well-toned panda bear.

I wonder if he likes me as much as I like him. Oh my goodness. What if I’m not good enough? What if he gets bored of me? Maybe I should be more fun…giggle at his jokes more often. Perhaps I should be friskier. Grind more sexually when we dance.

Yeah. I should do that. I mean, I don’t want to lose him, do I? Nah, I enjoy his company too much – far too much. He makes me laugh at the most random of times. Even when he does not-so-smart things, it’s cute, because, well, he’s cute.

That’s not to say that he’s not smart, though. He’s so intelligent. He, like, gets some of the top grades. I wouldn’t want to be with anything less, anyway.

But I mean…he’s sweet. He’s adorable. So I don’t, like, mean I won’t love him anymore if he stopped getting good grades.

Oh my God, it’s a text from him! It just flashed on my phone: “Hey, babe.”

OMG, he called me babe! He thinks I’m his babe! Time to start changing my name to Mrs…

Him: Yeah, she’s alright. I mean, she’s cute. She’s also got a rockiin’ body, which is always a plus. Man, you should feel her out on the dance floor. It’s like you never want to be with any other girl.

Of course, I like a girl who can get down, sensual and sexual. It makes things much easier when you don’t even have to ask. But, you know, you can’t go for the kind of girl who’s too easy either. She can’t be going around getting down with all your boys. She has to want only you. And to some extent, she has to be an angel.

What I mean is, she has to be innocent, at least on the outside, like my girl. But, like, not too innocent that she doesn’t ever want to do anything. Like my girl, even when she does sexual stuff, it’s still kind of cute and innocent, not like dirty and slutty.

She seems to like me a lot, and I like that she likes me. She’s like a little squirrel, always happy, always laughing and always so, so cute. I don’t mind having her around, but a lot of the time, the boys tell me that she’s clingy. I mean too clingy.

Is she really? Well I guess I spend a lot of time around her. But I thought the boys would understand. At least, the guys who also have girlfriends. But I suppose it’s not fair, because some of the boys don’t. I suppose they feel left out. And, I mean, you also have to make some time for the guys…right?

But I’m still kind of surprised that they keep telling me to make her go away. Is our relationship annoying to them? I’d never thought about it that way, actually. Maybe we are annoying to them. I’d rather not be annoying. Otherwise, they might stop seeing me as one of them. Whoa. Then where will I be?

Wow. I suppose I can get her to leave me alone for a while. I mean, she’s fun to have around, but not at the expense of my place with the guys. But, like, I can’t break up with her either. In actuality, I have an advantage if I have a girlfriend. They respect that. It means that whenever there are opportunities, you always have that one assured person that you can do stuff with.

So, I made a decision. I picked up my phone, sent a text: “Hey, babe.” Then I followed it up with, “I know you’ll understand why I think we should cut down on the time we spend together in public.”

She’d understand, wouldn’t she?

-Akotowaa